26 Deadliest Creatures – a guide for travellers

Below are the deadliest living animals on the Earth, arranged in alphabetical order for obvious reasons.

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Anteaters who mistake you for an ant.

Basking sharks on a bad day.

Cats.

Dolphins on a very bad day.

Earwigs, which actually do go into your ears, and then emerge from the other ear wearing parts of your brain as if they were a wig.

Fruit bats if you have eaten their fruit in front of them.

Ghost knifefish. They are actually ghosts with knives and not fish.

Herring, if associated with ghost knifefish.

Iguana. Their eyes are actually cameras, and the rest will self-destruct if tampered with.

Jackrabbits with guns.

Koala ‘bears’. Powerful friends.

Lemmings. Despite popular misconceptions, their real skill is in making it look like mass suicide.

Moth larvae if your body is made of cloth.

Naked mole rats who insist on naked fencing competitions.

Osprey. Described by their Wikipedia entry as ‘A large raptor’.

Parasite-hosting animals of any description. If they have that little respect for their own bodies, you can assume that they have none for yours.

Queen bees, which are occasionally brought out for particularly hated targets, and which only die if they sting you less than a hundred times in the eyes.

Robins. The red breasts are actually an affectation whose size reflects the amount of needless human blood spilled.

Sea lions. They are named that for a reason, and that reason is because they said so.

Tadpoles who become separated from the pack and lose their balance.

Unagi if they are allowed to live long enough to develop wings.

Vultures. Have you ever questioned how you always see vultures perched over large dead animals, and yet you never see the killer? Don’t.

Water buffalo outside of water.

Xenomorphs.

Yorkshire terriers, or rather one in particular. Just hope the one you see isn’t that one.

Zookeepers, driven mad by what they know about the horrors of the animal kingdom and the deep-rooted, primal savagery and evil which forms the heart of life as a concept and as the only truth in the Universe.

Or perhaps the deadliest animal of all is really MAN?
No. Unless that man is breeding ghost knifefish.

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