26 Deadliest Creatures – a guide for travellers

Below are the deadliest living animals on the Earth, arranged in alphabetical order for obvious reasons.


Anteaters who mistake you for an ant.

Basking sharks on a bad day.


Dolphins on a very bad day.

Earwigs, which actually do go into your ears, and then emerge from the other ear wearing parts of your brain as if they were a wig.

Fruit bats if you have eaten their fruit in front of them.

Ghost knifefish. They are actually ghosts with knives and not fish.

Herring, if associated with ghost knifefish.

Iguana. Their eyes are actually cameras, and the rest will self-destruct if tampered with.

Jackrabbits with guns.

Koala ‘bears’. Powerful friends.

Lemmings. Despite popular misconceptions, their real skill is in making it look like mass suicide.

Moth larvae if your body is made of cloth.

Naked mole rats who insist on naked fencing competitions.

Osprey. Described by their Wikipedia entry as ‘A large raptor’.

Parasite-hosting animals of any description. If they have that little respect for their own bodies, you can assume that they have none for yours.

Queen bees, which are occasionally brought out for particularly hated targets, and which only die if they sting you less than a hundred times in the eyes.

Robins. The red breasts are actually an affectation whose size reflects the amount of needless human blood spilled.

Sea lions. They are named that for a reason, and that reason is because they said so.

Tadpoles who become separated from the pack and lose their balance.

Unagi if they are allowed to live long enough to develop wings.

Vultures. Have you ever questioned how you always see vultures perched over large dead animals, and yet you never see the killer? Don’t.

Water buffalo outside of water.


Yorkshire terriers, or rather one in particular. Just hope the one you see isn’t that one.

Zookeepers, driven mad by what they know about the horrors of the animal kingdom and the deep-rooted, primal savagery and evil which forms the heart of life as a concept and as the only truth in the Universe.

Or perhaps the deadliest animal of all is really MAN?
No. Unless that man is breeding ghost knifefish.

A love poem by Steve Martin

A love poem by Steve Martin: renowned comedian, banjo player and personal friend of Johnny ‘the casher’ Cash. Transcribed from Saturday Night Live (season 14, episode 20).

Every man needs a woman and I need you
to lift me when I am sad,
to comfort me when I am down,
to clean me when I am drunk,
to walk beside me when I want to look like I’m not gay,
to walk in front of me when I need someone to act as a human windbreak,
to kiss me when I’m horny,
to massage me when I am tense and / or horny,
to make me horny when I’m not horny
and then to watch me fall asleep.

I need you, darling,
to clean between my toes when they are not clean to my satisfaction,
to pick the nits out of my hair when I have head lice,
to try milk for me when I am not sure of the expiration date,
to be there when I need you to be there
and to be out of town the rest of the time.

My darling, although it may seem sentimental
I want to take this moment to tell you I love you
because I don’t want to lose half my stuff

and even though you are far away across the ocean
I always have this to remind me.

Goodnight, my love.